Rules of engagement

you know, ever since i was transported to this planet in my space-pod which is now hidden in an undisclosed location ready for lift off in preparation for when the Chinese finally take over the world (ask Given, he knows) which will be happening very soon... but that's cheese for another party, I’ve realized that humans and many a mammal of this planet rely very heavily on companionship, so after conceiving many hypotheses as well as a ridiculous number of failed experiments the professor in me finally came to a conclusion; the key to a perfect marriage :-), yes ladies and gentle ninjas, I’ve come up with a set of rules or guidelines men should follow in order to maintain and perpetuate a healthy relationship with his female counterpart, it is called - The Rules of "engagement" because it's something one should master before entering the institution of marriage, in the engagement period, or you can call it by its scientific name - Relationship Utopia (it's a thing). So anyway, without further ado, i present to you the 4 steps to relationship utopia...

1) Always keep secrets
If you even slightly consider yourself a man, then it is your job, nay, it is your duty to always have a secret or two hidden somewhere in this dimension, whether it's something as insignificant as you pretending to be a bad-to-the-bone macho man but always sneak in a romantic comedy or two while the lady is out, or something a little more extreme like drag racing with your Toyota Yaris every Thursday evening after knocking off at work. You see, having a secret is like having a penis; you have just got to have one... True story, i understand that for some men it could prove to be a tad bit tricky to keep some secrets, consider me for instance, it's a hard thing juggling two lives, one as a normal black dude who works at a normal company and lives in a normal flat, and the other as an elite secret agent who belongs to the L.E.G (league of extraordinary gentlemen), but i somehow manage to pull it through... BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!! And the ladies love it, true story...

2) Always demand it at all times
After studying the behavior of many species of animals I’ve realized that it's of paramount importance to establish dominance at an early stage in the relationship, one of the ways to accomplish this is through sex of course, as a man you must demand the booty at your leisure, whenever you want it, however you want it and wherever you want it. If ever in doubt I’ve discovered that these words never hurt in helping further your cause... "woman, now!", go ahead give it a try, whether she's a corporate boss lady and she's in an important business meeting you just barge in that boardroom and start shouting orders "hey you! This minute!" or perhaps it's late at night and you guys are fast asleep, she's had long day and silently drifted off into dreamland, be a little considerate... Send her a text "sweetie, i know you're sleeping but i have a job to do, you'll probably get this sms in the morning but I’ll probably be done by then, best regards: your boyfriend" and then... You give her the bizniz.

3) Tell lies at all times
This step goes hand in hand with step 1, Lie Lie Lie, if you're stuck at work late at night putting in the long hours trying to get that promotion and she calls asking about your where abouts, Lie! You don't want her knowing that you're an ambitious fellow working your butt off to make sure that she has an awesome life and anything she could ever want in this world do you? Of course not, she'll slack off and stuff, not cool, tell her instead, that you're drinking alcohol and chilling with your buddies and that you're drunk (the trick here of course, is being able to act drunk once you get home). Dogs are man's best friend simply because they've mastered the art of lying down to a T, where do you think the phrase "lie like a dog" comes from, they lie so much that they sometimes end up believing some of those lies, or forget the lies altogether... We just don't don't know though, exactly what it is they lie about, so lie to your lady, it shows that you care.

4) Be Selfish
If ever you can help it, never share... Those little sweet moments you see in movies where the couple eats at some restaurant and the lady reaches over to the guy's plate, tries to eat some of his steak... Booooo!!! Smack that little pretty hand of hers like you'd be smacking a child attempting to steal come candy, it's only logical. So next time she asks for something of yours just say "woman! Is you crazy? Get your own, a man can't have nothing to himself no more, gosh!"; then kiss her lovingly on the cheek, or forehead or lips, whatever works.

There you go, i hope this mini-thesis will assist in putting your relationship on more solid ground, this acquired set of skills will also help me perpetuate my relationship with my future wife Minnie Dlhamini, and then we'll elope back to my home planet when the Chinese finally attack, and she won't have a say in it... It's only right. Anyway, I’m outie and ya'll should stay chillin' like a villain'... Peace in the Middle-East, not China.