I've resided on this adoptive planet of mine for quite a little while now, and compared to all the other beings in other far and distant planets I’ve had the pleasure of passing through, I’ve discovered that you earthlings mainly stand out because of one major thing, other than greed and insurmountable stupidity of course, it's the one thing that really drives you to keep pushing and doing whatever it is you usually do, it's synonymous with the hormone oxytocin, you call it love i think... And yes, there are other planets with beings on them, you didn't possibly think that you humans were the only kind of intelligence that existed in the whole universe now did you? Hehe please, get over yourselves, see that's the problem with you humans you're self-centered narcissists who think the universe revolves around them, no wonder the Zorbits of planet Zorb don't like you... get off your high horse and climb a pony. Anyway this love issue, shall we dissect it further? I think we shall
Some magazines say the average person falls in love at least 6 times in their lifetime, i beg to differ, you only ever really fall in love once and i hope that by the end of this little rant of mine i would've made my point. You see, in order to understand this whole love issue, we need to go back, way back... Back into time, the beginning of time to be exact, there was this guy, across the whole universe he's affectionately known as God, but for us who know him on a personal level we call him Big G, i mean this guy is so edgy that he actually created creation itself (i wonder if he has a blog)... Anyway, during our voyages of discovery the McCools came across something that was paradigm shifting, not even the Bible had this. Our then leader of the 4th brigade commander McCool discovered a scroll hidden deep under the glacial ice-sheets of Antarctica... It was Big G's diary entry; i think he's coming out with a novel or something. Now what you're about to read has never ever been read by anyone outside of the McCool clan before, these are his exact words...
Creator's Log 04-10:
So I’m chilling on my throne and I’m looking at earth, not bad at all, Adam and Eve seem to be getting along well, eish i just hope they don't touch that fruit, but all in all i think i did a good job with them, especially by adding love to the mixture which was a tad bit tricky, i wonder if they'll even ever understand what i did there: you see, when i took Adam's rib to create Eve, i was actually breaking down a puzzle of sorts, one of the coolest puzzles I’ve ever made actually, just like every puzzle piece is unique and will only fit in its rightful place, so will a rib only fit into its rightful ribcage, some puzzle pieces will come very close but if it's not the right one, then it won't fit, that's why they'll fall in love or will "think" they're in love until they're actually in love, no puzzle piece is like the other, so it can only ever really happen once. So all in all, i took one soul broke it in half, let those halves wander the world until, like metal and magnate, they find a way to each other, hence soul mates :-). Anyway, I’ve made earth and people and what not and now i have to undertake my greatest creation, i must create a new species of beings... But what shall i call them, it has to be a name that is both classy, awesome and cool all at the same time... I've got it!!! I'll call them... The McCools!!! Anyway, it's been a long day and i need my rest, until tomorrow then."
Well there you have it folks, God said it, you can only ever really fall in love once and when it happens, you'll know it... Except for the McCools, our kind was not created for one; we belong to world, the universe, forever destined to wander vast galaxies with a sense of adventure and awesomeness as our only companions. With that case being closed, i bid you adieu, peace in the middle-east.
P.S: if you haven't noticed, the Chinese and the Zorbits bare a frighteningly close resemblance, I’m just saying, use it, don't use it, I’m like whatevs.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Out of Context Problem
Relaxation, relaxing is very good for your feet, so like i usually do on Friday evenings after a week of intense and grueling Mondays to Fridays of endless paper-pushing, i normally sit back in my chair, switch off the lights and light a candle or two, then proceed to do some light reading, you know, easy stuff like people magazine, the fundamentals of quantum physics, Darwin’s theory of evolution and so forth... I find them to be very calming, so as i was going on about my business unraveling the mysteries of the universe like any other normal human being my so called brain started doing what it does best, being a deviant and pretending like i don't exist. Suddenly I, or it (and by it, i mean my brain, it doesn't like it when i refer to it and myself as one person, i think i embarrass it or something, you know how hard it is to go through life with your brain being ashamed to be associated with you?) was drawn to a different book, by a certain peculiar writer named Ian Banks, the book was titled "excession", and in it he touched on a very interesting topic, something called an Out of Context problem. Now I’m gonna attempt gelling this topic with another squeaker that's been bugging me, here we go...
Alright, an Out of Context Problem is an occurrence that is so bizarre and/or so foreign to our traditional train of thought that it's impossible for one to actually prepare or have counter measures for such a problem, for instance; I’m going to tell you a story of a classic OCP event that happened many many moons ago... In South America. The ancient Aztecs were a very powerful and exponentially intelligent nation, not as intelligent or Powerful as the McCools though, because the McCools were and still are the most elite of civilizations, as a matter of fact, my great ancestor lord Dudio McCooliano was actually the first person to discover the telephone, but the elders felt that the world wasn't ready for such a thing so they waited for centuries and eventually in the year 1876 they performed an inception on a then rather clueless Alexander Graham Bell, since then the bugger took the credit for it, "it came to me in my dream" my ass Graham! We're coming for what's ours guy, believe that! Anyway, the Aztecs were feared by all the other cultures and nations in their world, they had slaves build all sorts of monuments in their name, had the biggest armies, most advanced weapons and their strategists were renowned for their incredible ability to anticipate any situation and come up with a solution for it, they really were amazing indeed... Until one fateful day. While the Aztecs were busy taking other people's food and dissing the women of other nations saying that their boobs sucked, something from deep inside the cold mist of the Atlantic ocean was approaching, they were boats, but not like any kind of boats they had ever seen before, instead of wood and bamboo they were made of metal and moved at great speeds, the men that came out of them had these long metal sticks that performed great magic, if this metal stick was pointed at you, a spark appeared then suddenly you were dead, the Spanish had arrived.. The Aztecs could not in a gazillion years have anticipated or expected something like this to ever occur so they couldn't prepare for it, meaning there were no solutions; they never knew that something like this existed, so anyway, they were quickly colonized and they started speaking Spanish... That was an Out of Context Problem, on to the next.
Alright, now this next topic is not necessarily about an OCP, it kind of is but it isn't, you know? Let's talk about balance for a minute; about how one thing cannot exist without the other, we couldn't understand the meaning of good without evil, left without right, life without death, hands without boobs etc... You cannot believe in one thing and choose not to believe in another, well you can but it doesn't mean that it's not there, you cannot believe in tokoloshes and practitioners of African chemistry then turn around and say that there is no such thing as a werewolf or parallel universe, maybe, just maybe there is another you out there in a world next door to yours, you might be a worthless heap of crap this side but a smooth silver tongued boob-grabbing son of a gun in the other, some say deja vu can mean two things; one is that if you experience it, then it means you're where you're supposed to be in your life and that you're heading in the right direction; the other is that you experienced deja vu because the other version of you has been there before and you're partly witnessing what they have. Perhaps we choose to not to believe in these things simply because we're afraid of how we'd react if ever they were to be true? But then you choose to not open your mind to such possibilities and suddenly you find yourself in an Out of Context Problem where you encounter your metaphorical metal stick being pointed at you, and maybe worse... You're forced to learn Spanish, or maybe I’m just talking rubbish, we'll never know or maybe we will (°_°).
Anyhow, i have a McCool clan meeting to attend; we're discussing the actions to be taken against Bell and his descendants... Peace in the Middle-East ya'll (and my brain says bye too)
Alright, an Out of Context Problem is an occurrence that is so bizarre and/or so foreign to our traditional train of thought that it's impossible for one to actually prepare or have counter measures for such a problem, for instance; I’m going to tell you a story of a classic OCP event that happened many many moons ago... In South America. The ancient Aztecs were a very powerful and exponentially intelligent nation, not as intelligent or Powerful as the McCools though, because the McCools were and still are the most elite of civilizations, as a matter of fact, my great ancestor lord Dudio McCooliano was actually the first person to discover the telephone, but the elders felt that the world wasn't ready for such a thing so they waited for centuries and eventually in the year 1876 they performed an inception on a then rather clueless Alexander Graham Bell, since then the bugger took the credit for it, "it came to me in my dream" my ass Graham! We're coming for what's ours guy, believe that! Anyway, the Aztecs were feared by all the other cultures and nations in their world, they had slaves build all sorts of monuments in their name, had the biggest armies, most advanced weapons and their strategists were renowned for their incredible ability to anticipate any situation and come up with a solution for it, they really were amazing indeed... Until one fateful day. While the Aztecs were busy taking other people's food and dissing the women of other nations saying that their boobs sucked, something from deep inside the cold mist of the Atlantic ocean was approaching, they were boats, but not like any kind of boats they had ever seen before, instead of wood and bamboo they were made of metal and moved at great speeds, the men that came out of them had these long metal sticks that performed great magic, if this metal stick was pointed at you, a spark appeared then suddenly you were dead, the Spanish had arrived.. The Aztecs could not in a gazillion years have anticipated or expected something like this to ever occur so they couldn't prepare for it, meaning there were no solutions; they never knew that something like this existed, so anyway, they were quickly colonized and they started speaking Spanish... That was an Out of Context Problem, on to the next.
Alright, now this next topic is not necessarily about an OCP, it kind of is but it isn't, you know? Let's talk about balance for a minute; about how one thing cannot exist without the other, we couldn't understand the meaning of good without evil, left without right, life without death, hands without boobs etc... You cannot believe in one thing and choose not to believe in another, well you can but it doesn't mean that it's not there, you cannot believe in tokoloshes and practitioners of African chemistry then turn around and say that there is no such thing as a werewolf or parallel universe, maybe, just maybe there is another you out there in a world next door to yours, you might be a worthless heap of crap this side but a smooth silver tongued boob-grabbing son of a gun in the other, some say deja vu can mean two things; one is that if you experience it, then it means you're where you're supposed to be in your life and that you're heading in the right direction; the other is that you experienced deja vu because the other version of you has been there before and you're partly witnessing what they have. Perhaps we choose to not to believe in these things simply because we're afraid of how we'd react if ever they were to be true? But then you choose to not open your mind to such possibilities and suddenly you find yourself in an Out of Context Problem where you encounter your metaphorical metal stick being pointed at you, and maybe worse... You're forced to learn Spanish, or maybe I’m just talking rubbish, we'll never know or maybe we will (°_°).
Anyhow, i have a McCool clan meeting to attend; we're discussing the actions to be taken against Bell and his descendants... Peace in the Middle-East ya'll (and my brain says bye too)
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Rules of engagement
you know, ever since i was transported to this planet in my space-pod which is now hidden in an undisclosed location ready for lift off in preparation for when the Chinese finally take over the world (ask Given, he knows) which will be happening very soon... but that's cheese for another party, I’ve realized that humans and many a mammal of this planet rely very heavily on companionship, so after conceiving many hypotheses as well as a ridiculous number of failed experiments the professor in me finally came to a conclusion; the key to a perfect marriage :-), yes ladies and gentle ninjas, I’ve come up with a set of rules or guidelines men should follow in order to maintain and perpetuate a healthy relationship with his female counterpart, it is called - The Rules of "engagement" because it's something one should master before entering the institution of marriage, in the engagement period, or you can call it by its scientific name - Relationship Utopia (it's a thing). So anyway, without further ado, i present to you the 4 steps to relationship utopia...
1) Always keep secrets
If you even slightly consider yourself a man, then it is your job, nay, it is your duty to always have a secret or two hidden somewhere in this dimension, whether it's something as insignificant as you pretending to be a bad-to-the-bone macho man but always sneak in a romantic comedy or two while the lady is out, or something a little more extreme like drag racing with your Toyota Yaris every Thursday evening after knocking off at work. You see, having a secret is like having a penis; you have just got to have one... True story, i understand that for some men it could prove to be a tad bit tricky to keep some secrets, consider me for instance, it's a hard thing juggling two lives, one as a normal black dude who works at a normal company and lives in a normal flat, and the other as an elite secret agent who belongs to the L.E.G (league of extraordinary gentlemen), but i somehow manage to pull it through... BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!! And the ladies love it, true story...
2) Always demand it at all times
After studying the behavior of many species of animals I’ve realized that it's of paramount importance to establish dominance at an early stage in the relationship, one of the ways to accomplish this is through sex of course, as a man you must demand the booty at your leisure, whenever you want it, however you want it and wherever you want it. If ever in doubt I’ve discovered that these words never hurt in helping further your cause... "woman, now!", go ahead give it a try, whether she's a corporate boss lady and she's in an important business meeting you just barge in that boardroom and start shouting orders "hey you! This minute!" or perhaps it's late at night and you guys are fast asleep, she's had long day and silently drifted off into dreamland, be a little considerate... Send her a text "sweetie, i know you're sleeping but i have a job to do, you'll probably get this sms in the morning but I’ll probably be done by then, best regards: your boyfriend" and then... You give her the bizniz.
3) Tell lies at all times
This step goes hand in hand with step 1, Lie Lie Lie, if you're stuck at work late at night putting in the long hours trying to get that promotion and she calls asking about your where abouts, Lie! You don't want her knowing that you're an ambitious fellow working your butt off to make sure that she has an awesome life and anything she could ever want in this world do you? Of course not, she'll slack off and stuff, not cool, tell her instead, that you're drinking alcohol and chilling with your buddies and that you're drunk (the trick here of course, is being able to act drunk once you get home). Dogs are man's best friend simply because they've mastered the art of lying down to a T, where do you think the phrase "lie like a dog" comes from, they lie so much that they sometimes end up believing some of those lies, or forget the lies altogether... We just don't don't know though, exactly what it is they lie about, so lie to your lady, it shows that you care.
4) Be Selfish
If ever you can help it, never share... Those little sweet moments you see in movies where the couple eats at some restaurant and the lady reaches over to the guy's plate, tries to eat some of his steak... Booooo!!! Smack that little pretty hand of hers like you'd be smacking a child attempting to steal come candy, it's only logical. So next time she asks for something of yours just say "woman! Is you crazy? Get your own, a man can't have nothing to himself no more, gosh!"; then kiss her lovingly on the cheek, or forehead or lips, whatever works.
There you go, i hope this mini-thesis will assist in putting your relationship on more solid ground, this acquired set of skills will also help me perpetuate my relationship with my future wife Minnie Dlhamini, and then we'll elope back to my home planet when the Chinese finally attack, and she won't have a say in it... It's only right. Anyway, I’m outie and ya'll should stay chillin' like a villain'... Peace in the Middle-East, not China.
1) Always keep secrets
If you even slightly consider yourself a man, then it is your job, nay, it is your duty to always have a secret or two hidden somewhere in this dimension, whether it's something as insignificant as you pretending to be a bad-to-the-bone macho man but always sneak in a romantic comedy or two while the lady is out, or something a little more extreme like drag racing with your Toyota Yaris every Thursday evening after knocking off at work. You see, having a secret is like having a penis; you have just got to have one... True story, i understand that for some men it could prove to be a tad bit tricky to keep some secrets, consider me for instance, it's a hard thing juggling two lives, one as a normal black dude who works at a normal company and lives in a normal flat, and the other as an elite secret agent who belongs to the L.E.G (league of extraordinary gentlemen), but i somehow manage to pull it through... BECAUSE I'M A MAN!!! And the ladies love it, true story...
2) Always demand it at all times
After studying the behavior of many species of animals I’ve realized that it's of paramount importance to establish dominance at an early stage in the relationship, one of the ways to accomplish this is through sex of course, as a man you must demand the booty at your leisure, whenever you want it, however you want it and wherever you want it. If ever in doubt I’ve discovered that these words never hurt in helping further your cause... "woman, now!", go ahead give it a try, whether she's a corporate boss lady and she's in an important business meeting you just barge in that boardroom and start shouting orders "hey you! This minute!" or perhaps it's late at night and you guys are fast asleep, she's had long day and silently drifted off into dreamland, be a little considerate... Send her a text "sweetie, i know you're sleeping but i have a job to do, you'll probably get this sms in the morning but I’ll probably be done by then, best regards: your boyfriend" and then... You give her the bizniz.
3) Tell lies at all times
This step goes hand in hand with step 1, Lie Lie Lie, if you're stuck at work late at night putting in the long hours trying to get that promotion and she calls asking about your where abouts, Lie! You don't want her knowing that you're an ambitious fellow working your butt off to make sure that she has an awesome life and anything she could ever want in this world do you? Of course not, she'll slack off and stuff, not cool, tell her instead, that you're drinking alcohol and chilling with your buddies and that you're drunk (the trick here of course, is being able to act drunk once you get home). Dogs are man's best friend simply because they've mastered the art of lying down to a T, where do you think the phrase "lie like a dog" comes from, they lie so much that they sometimes end up believing some of those lies, or forget the lies altogether... We just don't don't know though, exactly what it is they lie about, so lie to your lady, it shows that you care.
4) Be Selfish
If ever you can help it, never share... Those little sweet moments you see in movies where the couple eats at some restaurant and the lady reaches over to the guy's plate, tries to eat some of his steak... Booooo!!! Smack that little pretty hand of hers like you'd be smacking a child attempting to steal come candy, it's only logical. So next time she asks for something of yours just say "woman! Is you crazy? Get your own, a man can't have nothing to himself no more, gosh!"; then kiss her lovingly on the cheek, or forehead or lips, whatever works.
There you go, i hope this mini-thesis will assist in putting your relationship on more solid ground, this acquired set of skills will also help me perpetuate my relationship with my future wife Minnie Dlhamini, and then we'll elope back to my home planet when the Chinese finally attack, and she won't have a say in it... It's only right. Anyway, I’m outie and ya'll should stay chillin' like a villain'... Peace in the Middle-East, not China.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Once upon a time...
As i lay here on my bed, sleep deprived and angry at the world, especially Japan (for cancelling the Bleach anime) my brain, which often decides to go about its own way completely disregarding my orders to stay in focus and obey, suddenly meanders towards a totally different topic, and since this being my first blog post i'm trying, but dismally failing to sound a like younger and more tanned, actually very tanned version of Hemmingway, a version 2.0 if you will, so please do pardon my grammatic errors and so forth... NOT.
Anyway, what my rogue mind was mulling over was the art of story telling, especially in the Southern Hemisphere, Southern Africa to be exact, it would appear that the seeds of the generations-X and Y have lost interest in passing that over to thier own offspring.
As a child growing up, my great grandmother as well as a few of my uncles and aunts used to tell me these fascinating stories of all sorts of mischievious and majestic creatures and characters of old, the likes of "bo hungwe le hungwane" along with numerous other enthralling tales, now i'm all grown up (not a day over 20 though, because i'm going to be young forever and immortal) and it would seem my fellow peers and I have taken that tradition and have tossed it smack dab in the middle of the earth's core, we don't tell our young ones about these incredibley vivid tales that were tailor made specifically for that purpose, is this perhaps why the kids these days grow up much quicker than thier years allow them to? Maybe because they lack the ammount of imagination that you the parentals were given the now seemingly rare pleasure of experiencing?
Anyway, it would appear that my brain as come to its senses again and is doing as i tell it to... Ah well *grabs handfull of sleeping meds*
Anyway, what my rogue mind was mulling over was the art of story telling, especially in the Southern Hemisphere, Southern Africa to be exact, it would appear that the seeds of the generations-X and Y have lost interest in passing that over to thier own offspring.
As a child growing up, my great grandmother as well as a few of my uncles and aunts used to tell me these fascinating stories of all sorts of mischievious and majestic creatures and characters of old, the likes of "bo hungwe le hungwane" along with numerous other enthralling tales, now i'm all grown up (not a day over 20 though, because i'm going to be young forever and immortal) and it would seem my fellow peers and I have taken that tradition and have tossed it smack dab in the middle of the earth's core, we don't tell our young ones about these incredibley vivid tales that were tailor made specifically for that purpose, is this perhaps why the kids these days grow up much quicker than thier years allow them to? Maybe because they lack the ammount of imagination that you the parentals were given the now seemingly rare pleasure of experiencing?
Anyway, it would appear that my brain as come to its senses again and is doing as i tell it to... Ah well *grabs handfull of sleeping meds*
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